5.00 am – I expected to be a little worse for wear this morning, perhaps even a little hungover. I had planned to attend a close friend’s birthday dinner and although I was only planning on staying for the dinner it doesn’t take much for me to get tipsy since I became a mum. Instead I am writing this with what feels like a steel claw gouging out my insides. I have barely slept and already suspect I won’t be able to sleep again for the rest of the day. The reason – I have a toddler and I’m fairly certain she will use her tiny bat-like senses to ascertain that mama is now awake so the day should begin.
Yesterday afternoon my friendly monthly visitor arrived and she was much, much worse than usual. This was all wrong; I had planned to be heading out and staying out past seven o’clock (a rarity in this mama’s life). Instead I found myself thrown on the couch in my p.j.s by half six clutching a hot water jar and wanting to die. So you better believe this mama was not in a good mood. By the time my daughter went to bed all I wanted was carbs covered in cheese and lots of sugar. I felt an immense relief when she finally fell asleep. This was quickly followed by that old b**** guilt who loves to attack when I’m at my most vulnerable! What kind of a mother am I who longs for her child to just go to bed?
It turns out I’m the normal kind. We all have days where our child’s bedtime becomes a fantasy on par with winning the lotto. Those days when every second is a minute and every minute at least an hour and you don’t know how you manage to keep on your feet. There isn’t enough coffee in the world and your patience is frayed and it’s only lunchtime.
5.15 pm – My daughter and I have been awake all day. Yes All Day. No nap instead just lots and lots of tears (both mine and hers). I tried to rock her to sleep at nap-time and then made the fatal mistake of attempting to place her in her cot. Her eyes immediately flew open and she screamed. So I sat with her for another eternity on the bed just holding her. She fell asleep but then woke five minutes later. The day spiralled out of control from there. My husband is now minding the tiny lady while I attempt to type the post I started over twelve hours earlier. Guilt and tiredness wrestle for domination in my brain – have I been a bad mama this weekend? Why didn’t she sleep? When is it bedtime again?
Motherhood – it can be a right pain in the butt at times.