Bottle or Breast – We Are All Just Doing Our Best

“We always did feel the same we just saw it from a different point of view.”

This is a quote from Bob Dylan’s gorgeous “Tangled Up In Blue” from the 1975 album Blood on the Tracks. I was listening to it in the car the other day – toddler complaining loudly in the back-seat (nothing compares to Let It Go in her eyes) when it struck me how perfectly this lyric sums up our ongoing battle; breast vs bottle. This sounds a little off the wall but bear with me.

We all love our children. We all want to do what is best for them. We all want to be happy and healthy mothers. Yet we all make different choices about what it means to be the best mom we can be. Sometimes these choices don’t always feel like choices or they may feel as if they are forced upon us by chance or circumstance but ultimately our main aim is to do our best.

Recently Dr. Amy Brown of Swansea University released a book (Breastfeeding Uncovered) which, at first, seemed destined to take guilt out of the equation when it comes to feeding our babies. She believes society as a whole needs to become more breastfeeding friendly. Dr. Brown says it’s time we remove blame and pressure from individual women and look at society’s attitude to breastfeeding. She is right. We as a society do need to be more culturally accepting of breastfeeding and more open to allowing women the opportunities to do it.

However, while I applaud Dr. Brown’s attempt to revolutionise how we perceive breastfeeding I can’t completely step on board with her. In order to remove the guilt surrounding infant feeding we need to acknowledge that how you feed your baby is your choice. It is individual circumstances, feelings and beliefs that determine how we will feed our babies and even with the most open society in the world not every woman will choose to breastfeed.

According to Dr. Brown only two per cent of women cannot physically breastfeed. This means women are choosing not to breastfeed for other reasons. Though I haven’t actually read the book itself I do wonder does this figure include a baby’s inability to latch properly or babies with allergies to milk? Also taking physical abilities out of the equation altogether what about mothers who don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding? Or mothers who feel it just isn’t right for them? Or mothers, who, for whatever reason, just don’t wish to breastfeed. Perhaps only two per cent can’t physically breastfeed but this grossly underplays other non-societal factors that might influence a mother’s choice.

Choice. Something we seem all too quick to forget when to comes to a woman’s body.

Dr. Brown believes that we should be warning about the “risks” of formula. It is this type of emotive language which has driven so many mothers to feelings of intense guilt and regret if breastfeeding doesn’t work out for them. So while I agree with Dr. Brown that more needs to be done to make our society more breastfeeding friendly, I don’t think that demonising formula feeding is the best way to go about that. I think a more relaxed culture which allows a mother the right to choose and then support to make that choice possible is what we need to be working towards. Support is the important word here – not pressure, not judgement just support. This means we respect a mother’s right to choose be that bottle, breast or a combination of both.

I agree with Dr. Brown that women are not getting the support they need; all mothers are not getting the support they need. Mothers who want to breastfeed need proper advice along with the ability to feed wherever they like without feeling judged. Mothers who want to bottle-feed need advice too and the ability to feed wherever they like without feeling judged.

We are all just mothers trying to do our best.

Bob was right – we do all feel the same – we all want what is best for our children. In reality, however, this might not look the same from family to family. But that’s okay. We might come at it from a differing point of view but we all love our babies and are doing our best.

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In support of mothers

This week is World Breastfeeding Week. As regular readers will know I didn’t breastfeed my daughter. My reasons were varied and probably only make sense to me. It is something, however, I have often wondered about…after the fact. I wonder if it would have been something I could have come to love and cherish. I don’t regret my decision as I made it after a lot of thought and anguish. I have a lovely bond with my tiny lady. But there is still that sense of curiousity.

Personally I think breastfeeding mamas are awesome. It sounds like a tough gig as you are the sole repository of your child’s nutrional needs. There is also the fact that you feel judged for simply feeding your baby in a restaurant or shop or sitting in the park. Just for feeding your child. This is so crazy in a world where modesty has become less and less of an issue…unless of course you are breastfeeding. Than of course you must cover up! This makes no sense to me. A baby feeding is a much lovelier sight than some of the topless men I’ve been treated to during our last mini heatwave.

The point of having initiatives like World Breastfeeding Week is to attempt to normalise breastfeeding. But I think until we really allow women a choice when it comes to feeding their baby there will always be a battleground when it comes to infant feeding.Women who breastfeed feel judged and women who bottlefeed feel judged and so the battle goes on. We are simply defending our choice and our right to make that choice but it all ends up in a muddle of harsh words and mud slinging.

I am now a toddler mama so the whole debate is beginning to be lost in a haze of new concerns – what age to potty-train etc. But today I just want to applaud those mamas still in the early days. No matter how you choose to feed you rock. And for all you breastfeeding mamas out there don’t let the negativity stop you. If you are out and your baby needs a feed don’t let the small minded opinions of a very small group of people stop you or embarrass you. 

This week I celebrate all you newborn mummies. You are doing great!

The Sweet Art of Imitation

This week a mother shared a sweet photo of her daughter pretending to breastfeed her doll. Her mother breastfed her and as well all know toddlers love to copy their parents. I often catch sight of my tiny lady carefully watching me out of the corner of her eye while I have my dinner then she takes a bite in the exact same way. It is adorable. I’m sure the mother who shared this photo thought it was just as adorable. And it was. However, what I’m sure she didn’t expect was the ‘shock and horror’ brigade who descended to label this child’s pretend play as “weird” and that her mother should be “punched in the face”. Seriously who writes these vile comments? How can anyone call a child imitating her mother “some of the nastiest sh*t of my life”? I was quite taken aback.

Regular readers will know that I am big on encouraging and supporting bottle-feeding mothers. But this is due to the fact that I think it’s an area we fall down in and a lot of mothers feel guilty for making that choice. However, I believe every mama has the right to feed her baby as she so wishes and that mothers who breastfeed deserve our support and respect too. This nasty outburst at a photo of a child who is just copying a very normal and natural act is reprehensible. As a number of commenters pointed out there would have been no uproar if the child had been using a bottle.

What strikes me as kind of amusing here (amusing in a bad way though) is that women are nearly afraid to put up photographs of themselves bottle-feeding their babies. They fear the onslaught of questions and judgement. Yet a photo of a child using a toy bottle is fine. On the other side of it we have a woman who posted an image of a child pretending to breastfeed and there is a rush of negativity while a woman pictured breastfeeding her own child at a wedding was met with (mainly) applause. WTF? What is with the hypocrisy? Either you support breastfeeding or you don’t and if you do then what is so shocking about a child pretending to do it? It’s like a child pretending to give her/his dolls a bath or put them to bed. It’s preparing them to be good parents.

So what’s the deal people? If we are to help normalise breastfeeding in our society (which would go a long way towards helping mothers feel comfortable doing it) then a child imitating what she sees on a daily basis should be praised. As a former early years teacher I saw this happen quite frequently with children whose mothers were breastfeeding. We never made a big deal out of it; why would we? I know that some of the parents were a little embarrassed but only because they feared they (and their child) would be judged as this child was. I was always quick to assure them that it was perfectly normal for children to imitate what they see at home and there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Let’s move on and recognise this picture for what it is; a sweet moment of child imitating life.

Let’s celebrate all those precious moments

I read a lovely post the other day by a fellow blogger, Mother of all Curves, about her bottle-feeding journey. This piece was intended as a support to other mothers who bottle-fed for whatever reason. It was never meant as any criticism of breastfeeding or to take away from any mother’s breastfeeding journey. It was simply meant to celebrate bottle-feeding mothers who can sometimes feel very much judged for their choice. I was very disappointed that this touching and brave post was then met with a large amount of negativity. Some people just completely missed the point and read it as an anti-breastfeeding post which it in no way was.

I fully support every mother’s right to feed her baby however she feels best. I think we need to be more open to breastfeeding in public places and making women feel comfortable doing it. I don’t understand how sunbathing topless is okay but feeding your baby draws so much hostility. This doesn’t make sense to me. Babies drink from breasts; this is perfectly natural and anyone who has a problem with it needs to get right over it.

Equally, however, anyone who has a problem with a mother feeding her baby with a bottle needs to move right along; it is not your business and not your place to comment. You don’t know that woman’s story, you don’t know what she has been through and at the end of the day it is her choice.

Writing about bottle-feeding in a positive light is quite often misconstrued as being critical of breastfeeding. But nine times out of ten this is not the case. Like the Mother of all Curves I support breastfeeding and want women to feel at ease doing it. From what I hear it’s very tough and women need all the encouragement they can get. But why can we not encourage women who breastfeed while also celebrating women who bottle-feed? Why is not okay to hear about a woman’s bottle-feeding journey? I know I had some lovely, snuggly tender moments bottle-feeding my tiny lady and those moments are very precious to me.

I couldn’t find any photos of me actually feeding my little girl – typical! I have photos of everyone feeding her except me – and I did most of the feeds! This was taken after a feed when she fell asleep tucked up on me. It’s a really lovely memory. *Please ignore the bags under my eyes I was functioning on very little sleep.

#Don’tjudgejustfeed

#supportallchoices

Let’s give each other a break and celebrate all mothers and all those precious little moments.

 

 

 

 

 

Family: a much needed tonic on a weary day

Today I received yet another rejection letter. The lot of a novice writer yes but still hard to read those words again! I was all ready to throw myself a pity party – I figured it was well deserved as I’m battling a cold as well and generally feeling miserable.  Then my daughter called out to me. She wanted me to read her a story. She smiled when she saw me and giggled as I read. Is there anything more heart warming than a toddler’s giggle? We tucked ourselves up in my big bed and read stories as the rain battered at the window. It was a tonic much needed for my weary heart.

Later my husband, sensing my mood, gave me a hug and whispered in my ear that he is very proud of me. No matter the rejections he believed my story worthy of success. It was a soothing balm to my wounded soul. I began to feel a little lighter. After all there will always be a special little group in this world who will never reject me, who will always applaud me, who will stand at the sidelines cheering my name. My family.

I realised I am lucky to have such a supportive family. Not only my little family of three but my parents, siblings and aunt as well. They boost me back up when I tend too much to put myself down. They are there to take the sting out of a rejection and put a smile on the hardest of days. Yet I must remember, that as much as I rely on them, I must too have faith in myself. No-one else will believe in me (outside of family) if I don’t believe in myself. This is my mantra; everyday I must remind myself to believe. Some days that can be much harder than others. That is when family take it upon themselves to row in and lend me an oar (or two). That way I can’t drift too far into maudlin waters.

Family; they are certainly a necessity for a budding writer like me as much as the endless cups of coffee and trusty laptop. I would surely be lost at sea without them.